12 tips to manage stress and the blues

For many people, the holidays can bring a sense of overwhelming responsibility and even dread. And it's no wonder: In the effort to pull off the perfect holiday, you might find yourself cast into a dizzying array of competing demands — work, visits with family and friends, gift buying, baking, shopping, cleaning, caring for kids on school break, and scores of other chores.

And if something doesn't go as expected, or just one more request is thrown your way, you may feel ready to snap. So much for holiday harmony.

"We tend to look for the ideal, and if our ideal isn't what we get, that's a setup for stress or depression," notes Donald E. Williams, Ph.D., a clinical health psychologist at Mayo Clinic, Rochester, Minn.

You might not have a classic Hallmark holiday, but with some practical tips, you can survive the festivities and minimize the stress and depression.

The trigger points

First, it helps to understand the potential trigger points that are typically at the root of holiday-related stress and the blues.

Relationships. Relationships can cause turmoil, conflict or stress at any time. But problems are often heightened during the holidays. If you're facing the holidays without a loved one, you may find yourself especially lonely or sad. Seeing others enjoying themselves may make you feel even worse.
In addition, family misunderstandings and conflict also can intensify, especially if you're thrust together for several days. Holidays often stir up old resentments and sibling rivalries — which child was treated better or loved more, for example. Who hosts the family festivities also can cause strain. Maybe you wanted to this year but your brother won out. Or maybe you and your spouse have completely opposing views about certain holiday traditions. Or you have stepfamilies whose customs and needs must also be considered.

Financial. Like your relationships, your financial situation can cause stress at any time of the year. But if you spend extra money during the holidays on gifts, travel, food and entertainment, you could be setting yourself up for an anxious holiday season — not to mention a debt-ridden new year.
Physical. The strain of shopping, attending social gatherings, and preparing holiday meals and treats can take a toll on you physically, too. Stress can make you feel tense, and exercise may move to the bottom of your list of priorities if you're short on time. Time pressure, stress, lack of exercise and overindulgence in food and drink — these ingredients make a perfect recipe for a holiday season sick in bed.

12 pre-emptive strategies

You can do something to pre-empt holiday stress and the blues, though. "The times we're stressed, we tend to not do the things we could be doing to help ourselves cope better," Dr. Williams notes.

Here are 12 strategies you can adopt:

Acknowledge your feelings. If a loved one has recently died or you aren't near loved ones, realize that it's normal to feel sadness and grief. It's OK now and then to take time just to cry or express your feelings. Don't tell yourself you have to be happy just because it's the holiday season.
Seek support. Take advantage of social support. If you're feeling isolated or down, seek out family members, friends, or community, religious or social services that can provide you with support and companionship. Consider volunteering at a community or religious function. Getting involved and helping others can be a great way to lift your spirits and make new acquaintances. And don't forget to enlist support for organizing holiday gatherings, along with meal preparation and cleanup. You don't have to go it alone.
Be realistic. As families change and grow, traditions may need to change as well. Hold on to those family rituals that you still can — a special food or holiday activity — but understand that some may no longer be possible. Perhaps your entire extended family can't gather together at your house, especially if they're being pulled in many directions. Find new ways to celebrate together — by calling each other, exchanging e-mails, or sharing pictures or videotapes, for instance.
Set differences aside. Try to accept family members and friends as they are, even if they don't live up to your expectations. Set aside grievances, old or new, until a more appropriate time for discussion. With stress and activity levels high, the holidays might not be conducive to making quality time for relationships. And be understanding if others get upset or distressed when something goes awry — chances are, they're feeling the strain of the season, too.
Stick to a budget. Before you go shopping, decide how much money you can afford to spend on gifts and other items, and then stick to your budget. If you don't, you could feel anxious and tense for months as you struggle to pay bills. Don't try to buy happiness with an avalanche of gifts. Donate to a charity in someone's name, consider giving homemade gifts, or start a gift exchange to limit the number of gifts you must buy.
Plan ahead. Develop a calendar of specific days for shopping, baking, visiting friends and other events. Plan your menus and make one big food-shopping trip to avoid a last-minute scramble to buy forgotten ingredients. That way, you'll have time to make another pie if the first one's a flop. Allow extra time for travel so delays won't drive you to distraction and you won't feel generally rushed.
Learn to say no. Believe it or not, people will understand if you're unavailable for certain projects or activities. If you say yes only to what you really want to do, you'll avoid feeling resentful and overwhelmed. Instead of taking on more than you can comfortably handle, share responsibilities with other family members or friends.
Don't abandon healthy habits. Don't feel pressured to eat or drink to excess just because it's the holiday season. Before attending parties and social events, decide how much and what types of foods and beverages you can consume. If you have a healthy snack, party foods such as sweet treats or plates of cheese may tempt you less. Get plenty of sleep and schedule time for physical activity.
Take a breather. While you may not have time for a silent night, schedule time devoted only to yourself. Spending just 15 minutes alone, without distractions, may refresh you enough to handle everything you need to do. Find a quiet place, even if it's in the bathroom with earplugs. Take a walk at night and stargaze. Listen to soothing music. Find something that clears your mind, slows your breathing and restores your calm.
Rethink resolutions. Making resolutions can set you up for failure if they're not realistic. Instead of resolving to change your whole life around to make up for the excesses of the last couple of months, try to return to your basic life patterns and routines. "Make goals smaller and doable in a reasonable amount of time," Dr. Williams advises. Choose resolutions that help you feel valuable and provide more than brief moments of happiness. Commit yourself to a healthier lifestyle and make small, easy changes toward that process.
Forget about perfection. Holiday TV specials are filled with happy endings. But in real life, people don't usually resolve problems within 30 minutes or an hour; something always comes up. You may get stuck late at the office and miss your daughter's school play, your sister may dredge up an old argument, you may forget to put flour in the cake, and your mother may criticize how you and your spouse are raising the kids. Expect and accept imperfections.
Seek professional help if you need it. Despite your best efforts, you may find yourself feeling persistently sad, anxious, plagued by physical complaints, unable to sleep, irritable, hopeless and unable to face routine chores. If these feelings last for several weeks, talk to your doctor or a mental health professional because you may have depression.

Have it both ways

Remember, a key to minimizing holiday stress and the blues is awareness that the holidays are stressful and can make you sad, despite the glitter and glamour.

"Sometimes people just need permission to acknowledge that," Dr. Williams says. "Too often, we have a mindset that the holidays are supposed to be a happy time, not a stressful time. Well, it can be both happy and stressful. Acknowledge that and take it in stride."